I read something in a children’s book that has me thinking about what I’m made up of. It’s exceedingly effortless to get bogged down by the things I’m made up of that cause struggle or that society generally looks down on.
In an Instagram post back in December, author and warrior K.J.Ramsey wrote “I feel both stretched and sobered by what my life looks like at 35.” I felt this in my core as I read it (though I am, *clears throat,* older than 35. This still rings 100% accurate for me).
(Also, if you don’t follow her here on SS, fix that. Right now. She has so many nuggets of wisdom, truth and encouragement for anyone suffering from being human.)
“I feel both stretched and sobered by what my life looks like….”
Yes.
This.
And I’m realizing that, for me, a significant portion of why this resonated so deeply is because of what I’ve perceived I’m made up of. Hint: it’s mainly been the difficult, unfortunate, “lesser” things.
But …
I am made up of infinitely more.
(And so are you, dear reader.)
I am, in a way, the sum of my experiences, including the good ones.
Those can be harder to remember, especially when circumstances press. But they’re worth mining for, because they reveal the side of the tapestry of Me (or You) that tells a more complete story - not just the bad chapters and tangles of floss.
“Everything in the universe is within you ….” Rumi
The fact is, I’m made up of immeasurably more than cells and sinew, organs and breath
I’m made up of a million dreams and experiences, laughs and awe, curiosity and a desire to do good
I’m made up of nights spend standing under starry skies, uninhibited by light pollution and on stunning display, in the rolling hills of Scotland and by the sea in Ireland
I’m made up of wandering through the cobblestone streets of Rome, arm and arm with the love of my life as we strolled under twinkle lights and were serenaded by a man with an accordion in the piazza
I’m made up of the nights I slept outside in a clearing deep in the mountains, under a tapestry of nature’s night lights, counting shooting stars and taking in a glimpse of the milky way, waking to dew on my sleeping bag while deer kept vigil from the edges
I’m made up of stepping into a cool creek or standing under a waterfall on a scorching summer day
I’m made up of endless games of Kick the Can in the dark of late evening, with a collection of neighborhood kids and a constellation of bug bites
I’m made up of the belly laughs of my kids when being tickled by my partner to cure what we, in our family, called “grumpilococcus”
I’m made up of the trove of meaningful words set down on paper (or its digital offspring) from people who were thinking of me and wanted me to know it
I’m made up of the time I was part of a busload of tourists singing “Molly Malone” along with our quick-witted tour guide on a rainy day in Dublin’s fair city
I’m made up of the incalculable snuggles from my dog, especially given that he’s not particularly prone to spontaneous affection
I’m made up of every time my heart swelled with pride so intense that it fell in droplets from my eyes while watching my kids on stages and in rehearsal halls and at tournaments and on playing fields, pursuing their passions and using their gifts
I’m made up of a photograph sent to me of my barely-adult child comforting an actual child when their bus had left them behind
I’m made up of countless memories seared into my soul of our family at the beach, shrieking while body surfing, laughing from our core at barbaric games involving eating truly terrible things, sitting together on the porch in the mornings while drinking our coffee with bedheads and good-spirited giggles at each other’s expense, wrapped in the non-stop soundtrack of my partner’s NEVER-ENDING “Summer Fun Playlist”
I’m made up of an endless catalog of birdsongs from innumerable early morning walks
I’m made up of a good deal of memories involving walking along a trail in the woods, chatting and singing with new friends, as we made our way from the heart of our wilderness summer camp to the pool at the main retreat center
I’m made up of a great number of nights spent singing by the campfire at that same camp, a choir of frogs, insects and even owls singing backup
I’m made up of the sheer ecstasy of being the first one at our house to sculpt the untouched surface of a new jar of peanut butter
I’m made up of riding on the subway during a heavy snowstorm, the Brooklyn Bridge looking particularly majestic against the grey background of a stormy sky, accentuated by generous clusters of snowflakes, as my train emerged from underground and edged over the Hudson with its dependable and comforting doo-doo-doo-doo as its wheels passed over the rail joints. It really was like being in both a snow globe and a lullaby …
I am made up of the glee of seeing dolphins in the wild, playfully gliding out of the water in a frisky arch and slipping back below the surface, over and over, until out of sight
I’m made up of myriad curtain calls in which my child walked towards a crowd already moved to its feet, clapping and cheering more loudly to acknowledge what my human brought to the endeavor
I’m made up of the utter poetry of my child singing, lighting up stages and bouncing off rafters as they warbled in ways I’m certain are reserved for angels
I’m made up of the words written out of love for and in defense of me, by my philosophical poet child, when a chain that wasn’t meant to be broken came apart like wet tissue paper
I’m made up of untold rounds of “the name game” at dinner, coupled with the joy of eating with my people and enjoying our food, no matter how meager our supper may have been or how few minutes we had before the rush to the next activity had to ensue
I’m made up of being captivated by a house finch scratching its face with its foot, and catching myself smiling out loud in response
I’m made up of the thrill and privilege of touching down in places like San Salvador, London, Rome, Edinburgh, Dublin, Zurich, Paris, Munich, Toronto, Kuai, Mexico, 2/3 of the USA, and of the home and family I was able to return to afterwards
I’m made up of the entirety of our family text thread, so full of laughs, pictures and gifs that my iMessages take up the most storage on my phone - a veritable embarrassment of relational riches
I’m made up of the perfect weight of soft flannel sheets, a down comforter and a quilt on a cold winter morning as the snow falls in large tufts of white out my bedroom window
I’m made up of long conversations with a close friend over endless cups of warm drinks and bites of comfort
I’m made up of every time we were in the audience, cheering for our kids, and soaking in the smiles of strangers as they cheered for theirs
I am made up of the finale of every excellent piece of theatre, music or dance, where I clapped and cheered with everyone else - moved and changed by the unadulterated beauty humans are capable of making and sharing
I am made up of the time spent at an immersive Van Gogh exhibit, where I sat for a hours simply taking in the narrations, the colors, the movement of his paintings, the music specifically selected for the installation, and the people all around me doing the same
I am made up of being at major league baseball games when our team hit a homer, and of being at high school football games when our team scored a touchdown
I am made up of every warm hug
every belly laugh
every text, meme, gif, or Instagram post my kids or partner have sent me because they thought of me
every friendly dog that’s greeted me on a walk
every kindness of every stranger - to me, or to someone else when I had the good fortune to see or hear it
every actionable expression of care from every person who’s ever showed up when we’ve had a major life stressor
every person who has come into my life and left my heart steeped in hope for humanity
every beach sunrise I’ve had the privilege to greet the day with
every sunset that’s taught me the essence of transition
every experience of love
every musical chord that landed in my ears like a warm hug
every smile I’ve been gifted by fireflies
every hand up when I have needed one
every trip to see a dear friend
every breeze has softly caressed my face
every member of my chosen family
every time I’ve closed my eyes or gotten a lump in my throat and soaked in the sounds of a crowd I was in singing together - at a sporting event, concert, parade, or funeral, on a bus or by the fire at summer camp
I am made up of every good thing I have ever seen, heard, smelled, felt, touched, tasted and experienced
Yes, I am made up of genetic traits
and hereditary features
and trauma responses
and ADHD characteristics
and a zillion experiences that prompted fear, anxiety, doubt, skepticism, shame, discouragement, or any number of other unpleasant things.
And
I am made up of every safe space I’ve been in or created, every interaction that has left me feeling seen, heard, validated or wanted, every breath that has been taken away by awe, and beauty, and Love ……
I am made up of all of my experiences and traits, not just the ones that cause me pain, bring me shame, make me doubt, or that the culture I live in rejects. The entire universe is inside me, and I am loved.
What matters most about me is Love.
I am made up of Love.
I love.
I am loved.
I am Love.
And everything that is right and good in the world has been reminding me all my life, and is reminding me still, that love is all around.